Every year as I approach the anniversary of my breast cancer diagnosis, I find myself reflecting back on where I was and where I am now. Anniversaries mark special occasions, good or bad and for me they’re an important time to see growth, change, life, progression, normalcy... and so much more.

So for whatever reason, today had me thinking about the 2 messy top drawers of my beautiful antique dresser, which once belonged to my forever missed Grandma Evelyn. Within these 2 drawers are possibly over 100 bralettes. The lacy, sexy bras usually reserved for the lucky handful of women who were blessed with perfect stand up and often smaller breasts. I was never one of those women.

Growing up, I was always a bit busty. I hated bra shopping, because there were underwires, and the bras were expensive, and I wanted desperately to fit in the cute strappy ones with little to no support and it just wasn’t to be. How I wished for small perky breasts, to go braless, to wear sexy bikini tops, to not have to hold onto my breasts every time I ran up the stairs. Well, in 2018 that wish came true. Of course no one wishes for a potentially deadly illness, and while I can find the humor in the most morbid of circumstances, this was no joke. I was diagnosed with bi-lateral breast cancer. A devastating reality. A literal punch in the gut. I would make the decision to cut my breasts off and have new breasts reconstructed. A long, emotional, and physically painful journey of being cut open and put back together again.

Repeatedly.

Shortly before my first surgery, a lovely friend of mine who was “in the know” said, “Buy the most beautiful, expensive bras. Treat yourself. You deserve it.” Such great advice and I will never forget her warmth and loving visit that day. But anyone who knows me, knows I refuse to pay full price for almost anything, so the game began.... Scour the racks at Bloomie’s, Macy’s, Victoria’s Secret and the now defunct Lord and Taylor.

As I was healing, I would start wearing bras again, but per doctor’s orders, only comfortable sports and sleep bras. Eventually I was able to wear whatever I liked, and so it all began. My complete and utter obsession with buying every bralette, every lacy, sexy, unsupportive, beautiful, colorful bra I could find on the sale rack. I loved every minute of it. It was exciting to pick up a lacy, stringy piece of material and know that I would actually be able to wear it. I tried on everything! Bought many of them. Came home and carefully folded them, sometimes
organizing my haul by style or color or texture. Of course it never stayed neat, because the next day I’d be searching for a particular bra and tear the whole drawer apart and in a couple of weeks start reorganizing again.

I often think it’s time to get rid of some. There are many I don’t wear for a variety of reasons. No longer love the fit or the color. Just don’t choose a certain one often enough, stretched out or no longer as appealing as it once was. Not as comfortable as I’d hoped, etc. etc. But I can’t seem to do it. Truth be told, I’m not the best at getting rid of stuff all the time and these bralettes hold a very strong emotional attachment for me. They represent so many parts of my life over the past 3 years. My illness, my health, my healing, my body, my breasts, my
sexuality.... They are a part of me, chosen specifically for me, by me, at a time when I most needed to feel normal, womanly, sexy, healthy. How do I tear myself apart and give them away or throw them away? I can pick up any one of the 100 bras in my drawers and remember where I was when I bought it, why I chose it, what it felt like, if I wanted it in more than 1 color or if I needed a different size. I remember it all.

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At the moment, my favorite bralette is a burgundy, bustierre inspired bra that Remi purchased for me just so she could get free shipping on her Urban Outfitters order. No, the apple does not fall far, I’ve taught her well. I absolutely love it. It’s tight and feels secure and sexy. My second all time fave is the Free People Adele bra. I have it in 4 colors and I just adore it. Looks great under an off the shoulder top, as it just has a couple of stringy straps on the shoulder.

It’s been awhile since I’ve bought a bralette. Most recently my purchases have been sports bra related and with my fave local bralette sale rack going out of business recently, I haven’t been out shopping much. I miss it. I think I will start shopping again soon. But for now, I’m going to keep them all. I just can’t part with that part of myself just yet. And I’m okay with that.